Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
