Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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