It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire