Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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