oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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