I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
