I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
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Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
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That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
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