found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.