dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner