she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.