I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
