Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
