i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.