I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.