in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall