I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that