just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
