Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
