Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
