I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
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What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize