I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now