I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions