My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.