I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.