Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
