I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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