I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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