i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
