so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
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Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
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I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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