all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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