I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Randomize
