I'm so fucking centered right now
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
