I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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