Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
