god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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