Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
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We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
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i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
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