Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
