Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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