just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize