I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
