I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
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