Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
i think i just lost a toe
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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