last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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