hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
