If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
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Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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