As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Randomize
