Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
