i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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