Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Even the bartender felt bad for me
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
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I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
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Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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