awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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