this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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