i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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