My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
