He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
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She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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