matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs