Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
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Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
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Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.