Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
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we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
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oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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