omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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